You made me cry and you don't even care
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
