i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Michael Bay diarrhea
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
