I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
