Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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