Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
