I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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