we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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