I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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