do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
