it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
it's like iHOP with fire
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
