Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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