I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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