I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
