I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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