when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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