textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
