I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
