Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
