i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
