VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
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