this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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