Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
