Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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