I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
