my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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