I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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