i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
