My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
