Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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