addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
