I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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