Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
