I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
