I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
