I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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