my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
