Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
