I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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