she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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