It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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