just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
