Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
