I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
