I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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