and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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