he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
