i'm signing you up for texting rehab
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
