So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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