shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
