if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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